


Self-Preservation

by TypicallyUntypical



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Soft Deceit | Janus Sanders, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28836435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TypicallyUntypical/pseuds/TypicallyUntypical
Summary: Ever since their conversation after the wedding, Logan has been pulling away from the group. Janus is certain things are fine until he knows they aren't.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 5
Kudos: 48
Collections: Untypicals Sanders Sides One Shots





	Self-Preservation

Facts don’t care about emotions. It was a statement Janus had heard many times from many different people. Most of these people were attempting to justify skewed statistics to fit their narrative. He could respect that. Janus, however, had never expected to hear something like that from Logan. He assumed Logan was smarter than that. In fact, though he would never admit it, he appreciated Logan’s ability to understand the different nuances of a situation. Though that normal innate ability had been diminished over the past few days, and Logan hadn’t even noticed. He had been manipulating the facts to suit his narrative, and Logan was too blinded by pride to think it possible.

Janus dusted off his caplet as he walked towards the Logical side’s room, each step echoing with purpose. Watching the other sides falter and fall had once been a hobby, a way of easing the ache that came with being a hidden side. Things changed once he had been accepted. His relationship with everyone, including Thomas, was tenuous, which was to be expected, but Janus began to notice little things he had previously overlooked.

Patton hid his feelings, that was no secret; even after the big heart to heart, pun fully intended, he still hid things. He was coping with it in a fairly healthy way, and honestly, Janus’ acceptance had been both a blessing and a curse for Patton. The two had spent many nights talking over tea, discussing all of Patton’s fears and worries. It was heartbreaking to hear the fatherly side lament about the things he had done wrong. His strict moral code had hurt the others, and hurting the people he cared about was something Patton couldn’t stand. Even if it was by accident. Patton even admitted that he was still worried about what Janus being here meant for Thomas, but Janus constantly reminded him that self-care and a little deception weren’t always a bad thing. Things with Patton were improving, little by little Janus was breaking down walls that shouldn’t have been built up in the first place. Though there were many things they didn’t agree on, it would be better if Janus and Patton had been working together to find a balance rather than at each other’s throats. They were getting there.

Trying to talk with Roman had been a completely different issue. He was still hurt and struggling with the things that Janus had said. He didn’t blame Roman at all, but the prince had been spending more time with Remus to avoid the others, and honestly, that was a better gift than Janus could have asked for. If you needed to redefine your purpose in life, a sibling was often the best help at that, and Remus was doing a lot better having a distraction. It wasn’t an ideal situation, but it was better than he could hope for at this moment. Roman would make his way back to where he belonged, and Janus didn’t feel he would need to interfere for that to happen.

Virgil still refused to talk to him, but that had been beyond predictable. It would take a lot to repair his relationship with Virgil and honestly, Janus had no desire to repair it. They were at odds with each other too often for it to be worth it. Virgil’s approach to avoiding social dangers was much different than Janus’s and there was no compromise. Not to mention, there was a history. Virgil had been one of them, lost, and rejected, but he broke through that veil and made his mark with the others. As long as Virgil was happy, Janus had no reason to claw and fight to rebuild a toxic relationship. Also, Virgil was the most stable side at this moment. He had even gone purple with Roman. That had been a nice sight to see after such a long time.

Everyone was beginning to heal. They were all moving forward in their own ways, except Logan.

Logan was an entirely different beast. After the wedding he had gone quiet, locking himself in his room, not coming out no matter how Patton pleaded or attempted to cajole him. Now, he hadn’t gone completely silent, he would still respond to questions, but his answers were always short. That almost felt worse. Logan was his words.

Janus’s hand hung in the air, a breath away from the door, clenched in a fist. After his dialogue had been skipped, after he said his final piece, he cut himself off. Logan shut down, and Janus didn’t know how to fix this one. Patton blamed himself. He had been overwhelmed and acted out because of it. Janus could see Virgil chewing on his lip anytime he looked at Logan’s door, but he always stopped himself before walking up to the navy blue entryway that seemed to have lost its shine and luster.

Originally, Janus thought Logan wouldn’t last. He loved to hear his own voice. He had a hard time not offering up his opinion on a topic. Even when Janus began to get desperate he was certain that if he just asked about the right topic Logan would launch into a tangent. It never happened. Logan stayed silent. He spent more time in his room, avoiding the ‘family’ that Patton had built. If it was just that, Janus might have let him be, allow his anger to burn out, but Janus no longer believed it was anger.

Janus was in charge of deception, self-preservation, and self-care. He could tell when the sides weren’t taking care of themselves because it affected Thomas. Logan hadn’t been sleeping. For the past five days, Janus could feel the slight nag that came with intentional self-sabotage. Despite Logan never coming out of his room, Janus could feel the strain in Thomas’s logical reasoning. Something was wrong, and if he was going to protect Thomas, he was going to have to step in.

He took in a breath and finally knocked. The door unlocked with a click that should not have seemed quite as loud as it did. It wasn’t accompanied by the usual voice of Logan giving his consent to entry. That wasn’t going to stop him, but it did worry him further.

As he pushed the door open, Janus felt his heart jump into his throat, restricting his breathing. Papers were scattered everywhere, Logan’s ever-present organization system seeming to have been shot a few days ago. The desk waste bin had overflowed and crumpled papers littered the desk on one side. On the other side was a stack of binders that looked a bit more organized and clean. It shouldn’t have made Janus so happy that there was still a single shred of organization.

“How can I assist you, Janus? I am rather busy.”

“Oh, I couldn’t tell at all, it’s not like you have bags under your bloodshot eyes.”

Logan frowned deeply, “Are you here simply to chastise me for doing my job or did you have something specific you wanted to discuss? As I stated I am very busy and do not have time to chat idly.”

“And what has you so busy Logan?” The playfulness and sarcasm was gone from Janus’ voice, replaced with an ebb of seriousness. “What has you pushing yourself to exhaustion? It certainly isn’t Thomas’ schedule. You have those drafts submitted several weeks ahead of your normal schedule, and there are no major projects that need your immediate attention.”

Logan mouthed something, some repeat of Janus’ words but he didn’t catch what. It was frustrating, feeling the chaos of Logan’s exhaustion inside his body, but now that he was close, it wasn’t just physical exhaustion.

“What was that Logan?”

Setting down his pen, “There are no projects that need my attention. I have become useless haven’t I?”

Janus felt a shiver crawl its way up his spine. He didn’t like how truthful that statement felt coming from Logan’s lips. It meant that Logan truly believed what he was saying. Even if he hadn’t been Deceit, Janus could see it in Logan’s hunched shoulders, in the way his head hung into his hands.

“That is the only explanation…” whatever words Logan wanted to say after that died on his lips as he picked up his pen again. “I am preparing the way for the next Logic.”

No, no, no, no. This was very bad, very very bad.

“Logan-”

“Please save your placations.”

“That is not at all what this is,” Janus said, his tone gaining a defensive edge. He needed to calm himself. He wouldn’t make any headway without a calm head on his shoulders. “Talk to me, Logan.”

“I will not be able to convince you to leave without discussing what is going on, correct?”

“Correct.”

“It’s come to my attention that I am unwanted in our group.”

Janus steeled his face, hiding his emotions behind his usual mask. Logan thought he wasn’t wanted and the best way to handle that was to have himself replaced? Janus had known that there was tension between Logan and the others, but he had assumed Logan didn’t care. “I’m certain that can’t be true-”

“Don’t patronize me, _Deception_.” Logan turned in his chair, opening a desk drawer and pulling out a notebook. He slammed it down. Anger. Logan’s anger was always violent, but it normally hid a deep-seated hurt. “If I have noticed it, then you have too. So don’t downplay this.”

Hesitantly, Janus reached out for the notebook, trying to hide the surprise from his face. Sure he had expected some anger from Logan but he hadn’t expected the snap and shift to happen so quickly. “What is this?”

“I began to catalog events, to verify my hypothesis.”

“Which was?”

“That the others do not value my input or presence.”

Janus began to flip through the notes. Everything was dated and so well detailed, exact conversations written down, word for word, and then possible analyses. This had started before Virgil revealed his name. There were comments about how Patton’s compliments couldn’t be trusted because they were only jokes, how Roman would only be on his side if it benefited the Prince. The further Janus read the less detailed the analyses became, he could feel the hurt in every word.

 _‘My feelings regarding this situation were seen as a joke and inconsequential, however, Virgil’s feelings were immediately taken into account. Though this could just be in an attempt to help him feel listened to after his recent incident. However, I do believe it is unfair for his emotions to be taken into account while mine are figuratively sidelined.’_ There was more written in that day, Logan’s feelings being ignored a second time, Logan’s attempt to help Virgil being turned into an attack later in the conversation.

_‘Thomas was focused on Guys and Dolls once again, I will admit that I had made a mistake, but when I attempted to correct it the others would not listen to me. Patton literally asked me to stop. Would they be better off with another Logic, one who made fewer mistakes? Or possibly one who is able to understand them better. I may be overreacting. I shall attempt to make changes in my behavior before making a plan for recall.’_

Janus felt his mouth go dry. It only got worse from there, and he had added to it. Silencing him before the reveal, the court scenario, Remus. Janus hoped that the Remus incident had shown Logan how much he was needed, how much he had been valued. Instead, there were three full pages lamenting how often he had to explain the same concept in different ways; how he had to go through the pain of Remus’ abuse just to calm Patton and Virgil down; how, after the incident, no one had come to check on him.

Then there was the wedding. When Janus reached that page there were only five words.

‘I was _silenced_ once again.’

His gloves tightened around the book, the silence in the air palpable. That blasted wedding had caused so much turmoil.

He thought the others were healing from it, he thought things were getting better, but this, this did not speak to an improvement. Five words, nothing more on the subject, but Logan hadn’t needed anything else.

Throughout Janus’ life, especially in most recent years, he prided himself on a cool sense of superiority, but looking through this notebook was like having the air ripped from his lungs. Self-Preservation was about more than just making sure Thomas looked good in the eyes of society, but also about making sure that Thomas’s sense of self was preserved. He was supposed to make sure that all aspects of Thomas believed in themselves. What was worse, Janus aided in this. He had added to Logan’s feelings.

Closing the notebook he gently sat it next to Logan’s work. “I am not saying that I believe your conclusion. Any good study should be peer-reviewed, but your emotions are valid. So, what’s your plan?” He already knew the answer, but he wanted to hear it straight from Logan’s mouth.

“If they do not like me the way I am now, I will build a new Logic.”

“Are you intending to duck out?” Janus was sure his voice hadn’t sounded like that since Roman had decided to go to the wedding instead of the callbacks. He understood that Logan was hurting, but he never believed that Logan would duck out. Especially not after Virgil’s attempt.

“Of course not, that would only be harmful to Thomas, I intend to fade, and to allow a different Logic to replace me.”

That was so much worse.

“Logan, please tell me you fully understand what you are insinuating.”

“Of course I do, I have been loosely planning this since our partnership with Crofters.”

“Why then?”

Logan was silent for a moment, but then he picked up his pen and began to drum it on the desk. “When we first accepted Virgil, I did my best to be welcoming. I knew that I had not been kind in the past and I was fighting to make up for that, yet, he took every chance to jab at me. That was probably something I deserved. In terms of Patton, my function has always been in opposition to his, and we have butted heads many times, but he is a sensitive sort. I couldn’t necessarily blame him especially since I had not been completely blameless myself, but Roman... I was trying, I invited him to help me in motivating Thomas and we were immediately at odds. I thought something might have changed at the end when I expressed how valuable he was to Thomas, but then we got the Crofter’s deal, and my joy was immediately abated by his need to be in the spotlight. I could not have this one thing, finally being seen as a cool enough character to be noticed by a brand deal, no, I was not allowed to experience joy at that sentiment because poor Roman had his feelings hurt.” Logan’s voice wavered and cracked as his pen fell to the table.

“So I started thinking about it, researching it, and I became more serious. If I acted seriously, then I wouldn’t steal anyone’s joy, and I would still be listened to, but then the puppets, the courtroom…“ he hesitated, “after the wedding… the others made it clear that they only want me around when I am useful to them. Even when handling Remus they were too panicked to actually listen to a word I was saying.”

Logan sighed, “So maybe it is time for a new Logic. I am simply making sure things are done ahead of schedule so that he has time to acclimate.”

“No.”

“That wasn’t a question.”

“And I am still saying no. It is hard for the others to listen to you because oftentimes you are right. That is also why it is so easy for Patton to pick on you when you do make mistakes because he is used to the nebulous world of feelings and morality where there is never a true right or wrong answer. You are our stability Logan, and if you don’t feel wanted, that is our mistake, but you are needed. Now,” Janus pulled Logan’s chair away from the desk. It wasn’t dignified but it was needed. “You are going to take a shower, and go to bed, and when you wake up, we are talking about this further.”

“I am not a child, I do not need you looking after me.”

Janus let out a loud fake laugh. “The bags under your eyes and your messy hair say something different.”

“I could just snap myself clean,”

“You could, but considering how long I assume you have been sitting here, a hot shower will do you some good. I will go get the fluff ball to make you something to eat too.”

Logan frowned. “This will only upset him.”

“As it should Logan, you think some replacement can replicate the hole you’ll leave? You have been with us since we were all children, through the good and the bad, the separation, and now the reformation. Do you think anyone can replace you? The side who has been desperately struggling with his own desires and agenda in hopes to find a compromise that allows Thomas to continue learning while also experiencing and expressing his creative interests? It should upset Patton, it should upset everyone.” He shook his head. “We haven’t done a great job of telling you this, but you are important Logan.”

Logan looked surprised but eventually stood up. “I am only following your instructions because it is possible that my lack of sleep has made my work less productive. If it weren’t for my own negligence I would not be allowing you to pull me away like this.”

That was still good enough for Janus. “Whatever you need to tell yourself.”

Logan let out a soft sigh as he disappeared into the connected bathroom. Janus didn’t want to leave him alone, because he wasn’t sure what Logan might do, but he was going to get Patton to start soup, something that would take a while to cook so that Logan had time to rest a bit before eating. Patton asked what was wrong and Janus didn’t even have the energy to lie to him properly to protect him. Janus just shook his head, telling the moral side that they would all talk about it later. He then returned to Logan’s room.

It was still a mess, and that was not the type of place where someone could get proper rest. Janus snapped away the crumpled papers, changing the sheets next. Making so many changes took a lot of energy but it was worth it, the room almost looked pristine again. The last thing that needed to happen was Logan’s binders being put away, but he had a system, and Janus messing with his system wouldn’t help anything right now.

When the door from the bathroom opened and Logan walked out, Janus’ shoulders loosened a bit. He still had bags under his eyes, and Logan moved with a sluggishness that made Janus wary of him passing out, but the Logical side at least made it to his bed.

“You cleaned up.”

“Well I knew you wouldn’t rest in a dirty room, now, get under those covers and close your eyes.”

“Sleep is not necessary for us, we are not human,”

“But you still need rest. Brain fog, creative block, burn out, all part of overusing a side, so rest, before I hypnotize you.”

“I doubt you would be able to.” Logan yawned.

“We will have to find out later, rest.”

Logan didn’t fight any further. He allowed sleep to overcome him as his body desperately fought for the rest it needed. Before he fell asleep, Logan whispered, "Thanks for cleaning." His voice soft and quiet, laden with exhaustion and weariness.

They all had a lot to talk about when Logan woke up, but for now, he was resting. That, no matter how small it might be, was a victory in Janus’ book. He sat back in Logan’s desk chair, watching the sleeping side quietly. He was self-preservation, and he would protect this family… his family.

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone who needs it I have emotional support blankets, some cookies, including gluten-free ones, and I have some hot tea and hot chocolate. 
> 
> Also, if you would like to know more about the list that Logan had, because sometimes I can be extra, come join my discord! We are super small right now but I really want to grow it into a community of writers who help and support each other! https://discord.gg/3bP9mYbhje


End file.
